How to defuse explosive real estate situations

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This post was updated Nov. 12, 2024.

You just presented a very low offer, and one of the sellers goes ballistic. How do you respond: “Fight, flight or freeze?”

Real estate agents today are constantly bombarded by high-pressure scenarios that can send their body into overdrive, flooding it with the stress hormones epinephrine (adrenaline), norepinephrine and cortisol.

Examples include:

• Getting stuck in traffic when you’re running late for an important listing presentation.
• The buyer’s deal falls through due to an unexpected tax lien being placed on the property, their lease is up and they have nowhere to live. 
• Your seller calls you in a rage because the buyer’s agent showed the house and forgot to lock the front door.

Fight, flight or freeze? 

Physiologist Walter Cannon described the “fight or flight” reaction in 1932. When you perceive a threat like a screaming seller, your fight or flight response kicks in. This causes your body to release epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine into your bloodstream, your heart rate and blood pressure increase, your pupils dilate, and your veins move away from your skin to minimize blood loss in case you are injured. 

What most people don’t discuss is a third reaction called “freeze.” This is sometimes described as “the deer in the headlights.” A common example among children is when they’re really scared at night, they will “freeze” in place in the hope that whatever is scaring them will go away. 

I remember going into freeze mode when we were at one of my clients and I were walking down the steps to house for a showing. Curled up right by the front door was a big rattlesnake. I just stood there staring at that big fat snake.

A few moments later, another couple and their son finished their showing. As they were leaving, the little boy turned to his parents and said, “Hey look — a rattlesnake! Cool!” 

Needless to say, my client and I decided to skip the showing and go on to the next one. 

Fight, flight or freeze when negotiating 

Today, agents are constantly bombarded with fight, flight or freeze situations. Examples include being stuck in traffic when you’re already late for an appointment, learning that a real estate transaction is not going to close on time and that your buyers will be out on the street with no place to live, or receiving an irate call from a seller who found their house was left open after a showing.

Unless you are unusually calm and centered, each of these situations can trigger the cascade of fight, flight or freeze responses in your body.

To illustrate how this works when you’re negotiating, let’s go back to the example of presenting a low offer where the seller goes ballistic.

Here’s how the fight, flight or freeze reactions might play out in each of these scenarios:

Fight

Become angry, confront the seller, and tell him his listing is horribly overpriced. 

The challenge with this approach is that when you become angry, you only escalate the situation. As Dear Abby once said, “The next time you feel like fighting fire with fire, remember that the fire department uses water.”

A better fight approach would be to avoid this situation by anticipating the seller’s fight reaction and taking steps to avert it.

An excellent way to do this is to explain to the seller: 

“My buyers have elected to write an offer that is substantially under your asking price. About 50 percent of the time these initial low offers turn into a closed transaction. I would like to request that you go through the offer, see what terms are agreeable, and then give me a counteroffer to see if this offer will be one of the 50 percent that will close. Does that work for you?”

Flight

If the seller starts screaming, one response is to stand up and leave the room. 

A more effective approach would be to say: 

“Mr. Seller, would you please speak softly to me so I can understand what you are saying.”

If the seller continues his rant, repeat your request: 

“Mr. Seller, would you please speak softly to me so I can understand what you are saying; otherwise, I will have to leave.”

If this doesn’t work, stand up and excuse yourself by saying: 

“I’m leaving now. Please contact me if you have any interest in pursuing this offer.”

Freeze

When most agents find themselves in a situation where a seller is screaming at them, they go into freeze mode. The response is so unexpected that they simply sit there and do nothing.

There is no reason that you or any other agent should have to tolerate abusive treatment from a client. While the seller feels great about unloading, you now become the one who is risking a stress-related illness. Always remember, you can walk away.

Avoid stress-related illnesses

Real estate can be confrontational, and long-term stress puts you at higher risk for heart disease, hypertension and even cancer. If you are unable to avoid a stress-provoking situation, take steps to release your anger when you get home.

Physical release

Exercise is a powerful way to rid your body of adrenaline. Alternatively, releasing frustration by pounding a pillow or practicing deep breathing can help you reset.

Mental calm

In stressful negotiations, let go of being “right” and focus on active listening. Asking questions and taking notes allows the other party to feel heard and reduces their anger while also minimizing the fight, flight, or freeze response and your own stress response.

In high-pressure situations, mastering your fight, flight or freeze response can be the difference between an angry client or a closed transaction. Ultimately, keeping your cool helps you close more deals while simultaneously protecting your health and well-being.